my lost love
by scary00girl
Summary: kazemaru loves endou.. while Endou have someone else in mind?.. and the hard years kazemaru lived made him cofused not knowing if he is in love with the captain or does he hate him.. ONE-SHOT.. real life story?*
1. Chapter 1

Kazemaru's one-shot.. yaya… read it guys

….

Everything was good.. not saying it was bad.. but now.. its just a WAS.. that means things changed if im going to say it.. its moving to the way I don't want.. everything is like going against my needs.. like the world is laughing at me.. and just want to depress me .. and it really do.. the world *as I call it* is really finding its amusement from me.. and I know it.. everything began when I noticed my feelings toward that goalkeeper the first time.. and that was just between grade eight and nigh, and that when Endou himself began to get close to Hiroto.. that red haired.. that newbie.. just what's so unique in him.. and anyway.. there are just one person know my big secret .. its Goenji.. yeah its Goenji .. strange right.. but if you know everything changed from the moment he discovered my secret..all what happen was in a normal night.. and in a normal depression.. its when I saw indou hugging hiroto from behind when all the teammates were just all gathered in my room .. for chatting and playing .. but I cant take it seeing him doing that in front of my eyes.. and the problem it that they are in my room.. I cant escape unless if im going to the field .. my only chance.. as I walked down there.. I just was cursing in the beginning .. but calmed down as I started running for awhile.. running always clear my mood..

"heeey .. Kazemaru~ where are you?"

An unexpected voice just can be heard now.. and ofcours I noticed who

"ah.. is it you Goenji?

The place was too dark that I cant see where is Goenji right in the moment.. until a hand grabbed my shoulder..

"hey.. looks like you ran away from your own room.. is there something bothering you?"

Is he trying to bog me

"no.. and why do you ask something like that.. *stretching * I just felt like walking.. you know I love walking" *sweat drop*

Ok its maybe a lie.. but its clearly a true thing

"hmmm.. okay then.. "

The place just got in silenced for a moment just when Goenji started talking *nervously*

"h-hey.. Kazemaru.. you know.. I know a friend of mine who's always cry because of the one he love"

my eyes soften by the words

"i-its not like he confessed yet.. but still… he cant bear the feelings.. the biggest problems for him is THAT HIS PRIEND IS A BOY TOO.. AND HIS BEST FRIENDS .. AND HE IS SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM IN THE CLASSES.."

Ok that all surprised me.. it somehow reminded me of my self.. but accept that part of sitting in front of each other.. but..

" but all that maybe is not as harsh as seeing his crush always write his boy friend name on the table.. that really hurt him as he say.. "

Yeah.. that what hurt the most .. always.. its like getting cheated without the cheater's noticing.. its cruel..

"and I don't know how to help him.. can you help me?"

Here Goenji looked at Kazemaru who's walking in from of him

"I don't know if Im really doing to be a big help.. but I actually is walking in the same hash path.. I guess"

Ok that just slipped out of my mouth .. ooh SHIT.. buti don't know I even is looking at Goenji's eyes right now.. Im trapped .. god help..

"what did you say?"

His face.. just had that questioning one.. aaah I cant face him no more.. that was most be my own secret that no one should know..

I turned my head to the other way.. / stuuupid

"ah.. j-just forget what I said.. it was nothing.. just spaced away thinking of a movie"

Still not looking at his face.. that is too embarrassing

"no you should tell me "

He grabbed my shoulders .. but I didn't even moved my lips by a word but just was shading away my face from looking at him..

"you better tell.. Kazemaru…"

"but I don't want to.."

I posed .. that will definitely kill me from the heat here

But his eyes was about to kill me *sorry my precious secrets*

"promise me you will not tell anyone"

" I promise"

" its someone I like.. and I will not ever even have the strength to confess and I know my self better than anyone.. but ..urgh~"

I suddenly felt like vomiting .. aaah.. I hate it.. and I turned to the other side just want to go anywhere else.. I mean anywhere to burry my head..

And Goenji said as he reached my fingers

"its Endou.. right?"

I .. I'm really going to die..

" sorry.."

And I walked away .. but Goenji called from behind

"you cant run away no further"

I don't want to hear anything.. I kinda want to cry..

And Goenji's voice was exactly in front of my ears when he said

"then I will help you"

I still cant look at him in the eyes " th-thank you.. Goenji"

…

And as WE reached the room .. and were about to open the door but the door just opened by itself when we saw Endou was about to get out the room..

"aah.. its you guys.. where were you been .. I was about to go check on you.."

And we entered ..

That night just passed like nothing.. and everyone went to their own room.. but from that night .. Goenji and I became best friends.. its somehow unbelievable .. but you should know .. Goenji was Hiroto's closest friend before we became best friends..

Another gathering in midorikawa's room

"I don want I don't want.. I told you I wanted the yellow pillow.. why did you give it to someoka?" hiroto moaned that got in my nerves.. I don't know but im getting out of my nerves whenever I even hear him talk.. *here hiroto and Endou are not lovers or something..*and anyway hiroto doesn't LOVE Endou not like Endou do that but its like Endou considers hiroto as his big brother*

"its ok .. I will give you mine.. its ok"

And Endou always is being his poppet.. FEH~

Okay there is a secret you READERS should know.. that Endou and hiroto are playing a lovey dovy play so Goenji once jumped at me and hugged me infront of everyone..

"you are sooo lovely, Kazemaru"

And that made all the team go . WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

And my face tuned red .. a mad RED

And so Goenji started the same game with me.. its just too much to handle..

..

Jumping .. after 2 years probably

..

These times.. don't worry (I guess) we are the same.. even with the same game.. it became like a habit for us.. but these times.. Endou and I became more together to talk about things that I know it will make us not together ever.. Endou is talking to me sometimes about someone he LOVE.. okay.. he was taking my advice.. and how can I answer.. ots just the yeah go for it type of answers.. and yeah.. he was talking to me about a girl he love in the school and I kinda don't know her.. but still cheering the guy for it.. its his life.. and I should help him.. and that started from jan-2010 while we are in grade 10.. and it's the same time as Endou himself was always repeating the same question to me every time we are alone..

"who is that someone you love?"

Like he is sure of it..

"w-what?"

"I know you love someone.. come on tell me"

And that suck

"I don't.. anyway.. who lied to you by that?"

You will be killed Goenji if it was you

"its.. hiroto~"

"WHAAAT? I . I mean .. how?

Ok how ?

"I don't know exactly but he told me that he once from a week read a conversation that was you and another one in the MSN.. and you was talking about someone you love but it seems like you didn't tell who was it "

Oooh shit .. no that.. ok I was talking to one of my friends out the country about the stupid Endou when I was upset but I didn't ever showed that it was a guy or wrote Endous name.. but STILL.. NOOOO

" who is she ? aki? Natsumi? Haruna? Fuyuppe? Tell me.."

" like I will"

Said that as I looked away

And things just went like this for more four month.. but in these months I don't know what happened to Endou.. he just started saying that he doesn't like that girl anymore … and love is just a bullshit.. but about the same question he was asking me .. I just like gave up and gave him hints

"that someone is shorter than me.. and younger than me.. "

And that made Endou go crazy around searching.. even in my family's history .. huuh~ .. when will this end?..

And I cant forget Goenji from helping me somehow get over some moments that make me angry..

Until April came.. when suddenly Goenji came to me .. with his serious look.. and said

"look like they know .."

"what? Don't freak me out like that.."

" Hiroto figured out who is the one you like.. and asked me about it.. but I asked him to close the case and never tell Endou"

It's a bad feeling.. but I've got used to bad feelings lately..

I just nodded

And I somehow felt safer .. but yet not.. from that day Endou became too friendly with me.. that even one day I could not stay long with him in his room .. I just felt like crying .. ii went to Goenji's room .. and started crying.. Goenji just got confused

"what happened? Kazemaru"

" I don't want him to know .. I want to end all of this.. but.."

I just don't know what to say

"did he say something?"

" no .. but please tell me the truth.. did you tell him anything?"

I looked at Goenji

"no I didn't"

"then why is he acting like this?"

And that's only

I decided to avoid Endou to get rid of the stupid feelings.. and I really began that

Until once after two weeks from my ignoring to him.. Goenji came to me

" hey .. don't do that.. you are freaking out the team.. and please .. be nicer to Endou.. he is feeling down.. he asked me just now *Is there something wrong that I did that made YOU and Kazemaru get away from me?* he is worried about that .. please return to normal"

I nodded not having the right to refuse

And I tried .. but I absolutely cant.. its like *avoid him plane* is still controlling me.. and day by day I started feeling like I hate him.. I felt it even running in my veins .. but still I cant admit it

Once in August.. after we finished our practice for the day Goenji hinted to me to go to his room after washing up.. and so I did .. and there .. he sat beside me ..

" im going to tell you something but swear you will not anything bad.. please"

"say it first.. don't scare the shit out of off me like that.."

He lowered his voice like someone maybe could hear him

" once.. after practice I felt like the insomnia will kill me from pain .. and I went to bed early that day.. that when you was in one of your appointments in the hospital *yeah I go to check my leg after I broke it* and Endou came to look at me but I didn't pay attention to him and I looked like I was asleep already.. that when I was between the real world and the dreams one when I felt something in my neck I just like growled and somehow fell asleep once more there when I felt something touched my .. my lips.*firmly kissed*. and I opened my eyes to see Endou's getting out the room quickly"

And he stopped right there..

What.. I guess there is nothing more than this he CAN say.. I guess its enough for me to understand the situation..

"it was in February.. I just told you this for your own sake"

I looked at Goenji.. Surprised..

"WHAT?"

But my smile didn't fade.. I still have it in my face.. I guess I cant take it off from shock

What did he say? It was in Feb.. do you know how many months passed by then? Its six months.. half a year.. and.. you know THAT..

"I guess he loves you"

I said~

That just came out from nowhere.. I still have this personality of mine.. do I even give up the one I love to my best friend?.. I guess I cant help my stupidity..

"do you think that"

I don't know what is exactly Goenji's face say at the moment .. im mixed up..

"yeah.. then he would not do that if he didn't"

"aha"

"hhh.. why didn't you tell me before.. it have been too long sense then"

" I just felt like .. I cant.. "

I want to escape now

"aah.. I didn't take a shower yet.. and I have to sleep early because I have an appointment tommorow.. *I stood up walking quickly to the door* sorry got to go.. see ya tomorrow"

I just lied now about not taking shower but .. I will take one.. again.. because when I cry under the water I somehow cant know what is the tears and what is the water drops.. that's my heaven when i want to take away the from me.. and so I did.. but I didn't cry.. I just cant.. don't ask me why.. because I cant.. but maybe.. by any chance.. I passed the feeling finally.. and actually I know its another lie I created for myself AGAIN

…

The END.. haha.. is it good .. or is it baaad?

Just READ AND REVIEW to let me know.. and if ever you wanted to know more information about this fanfic.. I can answer.. and who ever send to me a review I will tell them a secret about this story.. soo see ya .. *wink*


	2. i hate him

21-2-2011

I hate him.. I finally became to hate him.. not a little .. but too much  
I cant take it that I most live around him anymore.. to see him .. to hear his voice.. everything about him makes me angry, I mean .. everything about him is disgusting..  
I don't know how did I have such feelings toward someone like THAT  
I would scream.. I would cry.. I would do whatever.. but not to have the slightest feeling for him..  
"if I came to love, I would only love someone like you"  
such a liar..  
if only I can scream and tell him that I know what he done  
if only I can slap his face  
if only I can show him how I feel RIGHT NOW at the moment  
nothing of what Im feeling inside would be here as it is..  
with all of what im holding inside, I never even opened my mouth  
I don't know why I didn't hate him when Goenji told me about THAT, but now I do  
you may ask why?  
I guess you better know  
that happened just few days ago, the whole team had a free day from practice and we decided to hang out somewhere, as the girls insisted to go to the amusement park, we, the boys, didn't have even a moment to reject, and so we went there  
everyone was busy, me as well, I was searching for a gift for someone, and I didn't tell anyone, only two of the team know my secret, THAT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, of course goenji was first to know, but the other one is someone you would never expect, he is Endou, don't get me wrong, he heard me talking to Goenji about my BF once and there it is.  
however, I bought what I wanted and all, there when Endou asked us to wait 'til he go buy something to eat, I did too, but goenji who was with us walked to some markets looking for a toy, you know why, for his YUUKA.  
me and endou didn't take a long time, we took the noodles we bought and sat on a chair outside the restaurant, our conversation began as endou asked

"you've finished buying thing for you BF's birthday?"  
"yeah, only left the box"  
"huh? Why do you want a box?"  
I looked at him and replayed  
"to put everything inside, duh!"  
he looked stupid for a moment and I started eating what I've got  
"you know!.. *a moment of silence*.. If I came to love, I would only love someone like you"  
I didn't move for a second, but then I ignored, I felt like everything just blanked around me, I didn't even look toward him  
"Im talking seriously"  
"ok ok, I've got it"  
"what did y-"

There when goenji came to where we were sitting, I raised my head and smiled at him, everything that evening was confusing, I don't know what I was thinking about  
you may see it as a good thing, RIGHT?  
but its wrong.. completely WRONG, why?, you know something, Endou discovered that I liked him, yeah he did, its not a good thing, it makes me stay up at night, crying, afraid to get exposed once, and now what? Is he trying to satisfy me? Or is he just feeling guilty or something? I don't get it!  
I guess he thought that I may accept his offer, I didn't know the answer if I will or not 'til I talked to Goenji about it  
"never ever think about it"  
"um I know"  
"you know that he doesn't honestly like you"

"kazemaru, listen, you've got a great boyfriend out there, you cant replace him by Endou"  
I looked away  
"you can truly love who you want, because you know yourself, but you cant really know if others do honestly"  
"I know"  
"then what is holding you back?"  
i don't know, I may really want to be with Endou, but I don't want to break my BF's heart  
"kazemaru!"  
yeah, that's right, he just want to play with my feelings, he doesn't love me, he love *GOENJI*, and that's all, just because he cant have goenji and he heard about my feelings, he just want me to replace goenji's place, am I supposed to think this way? , but it seems like the only way.

_

heeeeeeey.. im back.. with this one-shot?  
I may said the first chapter was the only one I would publish.. but it looks like I wonnot stop.. this story is a real one, only with few changes as names and things to match with the anime, ya know!

*I know its too short*  
so guys , I will write down every important moment that would happen in the future for the real couple, and I would let you know, so see ya*winki winko*


End file.
